This guide is based on empirical evidence of micro, macro and meta data of various public surfer polling firms. Each candidate is broken down to an archetype surfer. The one that you mostly relate with (as a surfer), is the one you should vote for. Do not question this guide. It should be noted, if you vote for Trump, karma will find you in the way of a run in with a great white shark. It should also be noted that great whites are super nice but love eating dumb asses who vote for even bigger dumber asses with dumb toupees.
Vehicle: You roll up in a Lincoln Navigator, massive Quiksilver logo on the back and an equally massive Billabong sticker on the side window. License plate reads “$urfer.”
Board: Carbon Rusty fun shape – quad for sure.
Favorite break: Rockaways
Best maneuver: Paddle battle and cutting leashes
Crew: Your surfing friends work for your family’s company and only surf with you in fear if they don’t, they’ll be fired.
Last surf trip: Mexico. You lasted 48 hours before the locals chased you out.