Piña colada Puerto Rico origins: A guide to the sweetest, silliest drink of summer.

Among its many shortcomings, the piña colada, like all the silliest summertide mixed drinks, fails to gratify an honest thirst. Like the frozen strawberry margarita rotating in its machine as if spinning eternally into the abyss, the piña colada is more a sweet treat than a proper beverage. Drinks of this ilk are like popsicles liquefied on behalf of people too lazy to lick, and their primary effect is a sugar high, with the alcohol kick featuring only just enough to abet dehydration and summon an unjust hangover. Naturally, some dental hygienists are known to offer their patients piña colada-flavored fluoride: Oral gel is an apt medium for its toothache essence.

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